B2: The day when I told my mom, “I am gay”

"Why is it that, as a culture, we are more
comfortable seeing two men holding guns
than holding hands?"--Author Ernest J. Gaines

The day when I told my mom, “I am gay”

It is a week before my 18th  birthday and I woke up with the same dream which has been recurring and haunting me for about a month now. Even though a dream, it feels so real, it’s like I am living in the moment. I can feel the cold wind touching me, my sweating palms, the smell of his scent, his warm breath on my cheeks, his hands around my neck and our lips kissing!. Yes, I am dreaming about kissing my male best friend Sam Johns and you are reading about me, Kevin Stone. And
I am gay!

Mom, “ Good morning, sunshine. What happened? Why are you sweating, honey?”
Kevin (jumping on his bed and sitting annoyed, yells), “Duh, Mom. Just knock before you enter my bedroom! Now get out. I'll see you down for breakfast.”

If only I could tell my mom the reason behind me sweating like hell and the dreams I have been having. I wonder how she will react. I am afraid of whether they’ll accept me for being gay or if they will consider me an abomination.

I live with my elder brother and my mother. My father died in a car accident when I was 10. I kind of still miss him and I know they too. I have two best friends, Sam and Erika. We have been friends since 3rd grade and maybe this is our final year together and then we will walk on our way to different colleges.

Sam, “ Hey Kevin, slept well?” Kevin (whispers), “Yeah only that I kissed you in my dreams”, (out loud with a smile “Yeah Sam. What about you, huh?” Erika, “Come on you guys, you talk like old people. Let's go we are getting late.”

Even in my boring math lecture or my favorite History lecture, I couldn’t stop thinking about my dream. I remember Prof. Sean saying about discussing our dreams or nightmares if they keep haunting us. But who do I share it with? I am afraid of the outcomes.

Its time. It's time to sleep, to dream, and see the same fucking dream again. “Sorry Sam, sorry to dream about you like that.”

It's my birthday party!!!!!! I am an adult 18 and still, my mom threw me a costume party. “Thanks, Mom” (whispers sarcastically). Everyone from my class is here, even the people who I never talk are here to enjoy free food, free snacks, free drinks, and free cake. And who would want to miss it? I mean I wouldn’t, would you?

Here comes my dream-kiss-partner, Sam and Erika, my two best friends, bringing no gifts. ‘Signs of true best friends they say.’ It's cake time. “Why is it a Star Wars cake? Could this party get any more cliche?” I blow out the candle wishing for my dreams to stop and asking for the courage to come out. I cut the cake having “Happy birthday, Kevin” sung in the background. The first bite goes to Mom who is dressed up like I don’t know a character from 80’s maybe, I didn’t bother to ask though. Second bite to my brother who is of course Captain America, “Yep my brother’s a bore”. I stumbled between Erika and Sam for whom to give the third bite but as flexible as any Elastigirl can get, Erika had the third bite snatched. Now that leaves me, Sam, and the final bite. I want to move towards him, to give him the last bite of the piece, but trust me that wasn’t a piece of cake movement. How ironic, I know.                                 

Sam made the move, he came towards me, hold my hand, moved it near his mouth, and ate the piece. He leaned towards me, and whispered, “Happy birthday, Kevin” in my ear. He moved back then hold my face in his hands and kissed me in front of everyone!

*tring, tring* the alarm rang. I bet I peed myself. And here enters my mother without knocking.

Mom, “Kevin, what is it, honey? Are you having nightmares?”

Kevin, “ No Mom, I am not.”

Mom, “ You can tell me whatever it is. I won't judge, darling”

Well, should I or should I not?

Kevin, "Hey Mom, good morning."

Mom, "Hey sweetheart, good morning. You are sweating again. What's it about? Tell me."

Kevin (takes a deep breath), " Mom there's something you should know about me and the dreams I have been seeing lately."

Mom (keeps her hand over Kevin's hand and presses it gently to show support), " I am all ears."

Kevin, " Mom I have been having this dream, romantic dream about Sam. We kiss in the dream..dreams actually. It used to be the same dream for a long time but today I had a different but the main action here was again 'we kissing'. I think I have a crush on Sam. And mom, um I am.... Gay. "

Mom (gives the sweetest smile to her son), "Kevin, honey I knew this all along. It's fine. I love you no matter what."

Kevin, "You knew it? And you are fine with it? Are you sure or are you just saying this to make me feel better? '

Mom (sighs), "Now why shouldn't I be fine with it? Are you a criminal? A monster? Or is anything unnatural or supernatural or bad or wrong? No. You are a person, a boy, a male who loves a person of your same sex. And love is Love. Being gay is as natural as being straight."

Kevin, "Woah Mom, I was always worried about what you'd say or how you'll react but I am relieved now. Thank you. I love you."

Mom, "Listen to me very carefully now, Kevin. Do not ever think that you are not normal or that you are not like others and hate yourself for what you are. You are just like any other person. It's not about which gender should love which gender. It's about who you love. We fall in love with the person, what they are, how they are, for who they are, and not for which gender they belong to. 

SRC: Pinterest

It is our choice to love whomever we want. It is our decision, our choice, and our love. We can be attracted to anyone we like and feel connected with. If I being a woman choose to love a man it is my decision, if I want to love a woman it is again my decision and if I want to love someone for who they are no matter what their gender is, honey it is my choice, my decision and no one can deny me that right, the right to love anyone I want. I don't understand why people consider being any part of LGBTQ as bad or unholy. But then it's their belief and we can't ask them to change but we can Hope that it will change sooner or later. But before loving anyone else and deciding about whom to love, honey you must learn to love and respect yourself first. Have pride in what you are. (takes a deep breath) Well, coincidentally it is the first of June, so Happy Pride Day my son."

( Mom kisses Kevin's forehead. Both cry and smile and hug each other)

By - Humaira Kazi.

"It takes some intelligence and insight to figure out you're gay and then a tremendous amount of balls to live it and live it proudly."--Jason Bateman.

On account of pride month, I thought to make this topic a part of my blog. Straight or gay, lesbian or bi, we all should live with dignity and pride. We should all respect each other's choices. Let us stop seeing the LGBTQ community as another gender, and consider them as one of us, as people with different choices, and different preferences because all we do is Love. And Love is Love.

Happy Pride Month.